Episode 35: Shame (Part 1): Recognition — Why Feeling “Not Enough” Feels So True — Entrée

If you live with a quiet — or loud — sense that something is wrong with you, this episode is for you.

In Part 1 of the Relish Shame Series, Alyssia Sheikh explores Recognition: what shame actually is, how it develops, and why it feels less like a feeling and more like a fact. Drawing from neuroscience, developmental psychology, emotion science, mindfulness, and lived experience, this episode reframes shame not as a personal flaw — but as a nervous-system response shaped early in life around belonging and safety.

You’ll learn why shame is different from guilt, how early rupture and meaning-making give rise to the belief “it must be me,” and why shame shows up in the body before it ever becomes a thought. Alyssia introduces the concept of a personal “shame signature,” explains why shame fuels perfectionism and self-improvement cycles, and offers grounded steps for recognizing shame without bypassing or pathologizing it.

✨ In this episode, you’ll explore:

• Why shame feels like truth instead of emotion
• The difference between shame and guilt — and why it matters
• How unmet needs and early rupture shape shame
• Why shame lives in the body and nervous system
• How shame drives perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-fixing
• Four practical steps to recognize shame when it arises

This episode lays the foundation for the series.

• Part 2 explores Separation — how shame fuses with identity and how mindfulness creates space.
• Part 3 explores Reclamation — what shame is often protecting and how to live from truth instead.

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Relevant Episodes:

• Shame (Part 2): Separation — Why Shame Feels Like Who You Are (coming soon!)
• Shame (Part 3): Reclamation — The Gift Beneath What You Tried to Fix (coming soon!)

Relevant Links & Resources:

Shame vs. Guilt (Behavior vs. Identity)

• Tangney, Stuewig & Mashek (2007) — Shame is linked with withdrawal/avoidance; guilt is linked with reparative action
  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12189037/

Social Pain & the Nervous System

• Eisenberger & Lieberman (2012) — Social rejection recruits pain-related neural circuitry (with nuance)
  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3273616/

Infant–Caregiver Attunement, Rupture & Repair

• Tronick (1989) — Mutual Regulation Model; coordination occurs a minority of the time
  https://www.jeffcohn.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Tronick-InfantMotherFacetoFaceInteraction-1989.pdf
• Tronick & Beeghly (2011) — Mismatch and repair as central to healthy development
  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3135310/
• Greater Good (Berkeley) — Public-facing synthesis of mismatch–repair research
  https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/family_conflict_is_normal_its_the_repair_that_matters
• Norland Interview with Ed Tronick — “~30% in sync” clarification
  https://www.norland.ac.uk/journal/critical-processes-for-infant-development-an-interview-with-professor-edward-tronick/

“Good Enough” Caregiving (Contextual Framing)

• Donald Winnicott — Good Enough Mother (clinical concept)
  https://seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother