Episode 33: Why We Bond Through Negativity (And How to Create Real Connection Instead) – Entreé

Have you ever noticed how quickly connection can form when you’re venting, complaining, or criticizing something—or someone—together?

In this episode of Relish, Alyssia Sheikh explores a subtle but powerful relational pattern she calls bonding through negativity, including what Brené Brown refers to as Common Enemy Intimacy. This pattern isn’t about being mean or negative—it’s about a nervous system seeking belonging in the fastest way it knows how.

Drawing from neuroscience, social psychology, mindfulness, and personal experience, Alyssia explains why shared frustration, gossip, and comparison can feel rewarding and safe—and why they often replace vulnerability in relationships. You’ll learn how negativity activates attention and reward systems in the brain, why it can feel easier than being open, and how over time it reinforces insecurity, drains energy, and limits authentic intimacy.

Through personal examples and practical reframes, Alyssia offers a compassionate path forward—one that doesn’t shame the pattern, but helps you notice it and choose something deeper instead.

✨ In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Why bonding through negativity feels so natural
• What “Common Enemy Intimacy” really is
• How negativity bias and social reward reinforce the pattern
• The difference between venting and vulnerability
• Why negativity-based connection can feel draining over time
• How to redirect connection toward honesty and presence
• A simple question to interrupt gossip and return to yourself

💭 Reflection:
When you connect with others, are you bonding over what you dislike—or what you value, feel, and need?

Follow & Connect:

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• YouTube: Alyssia Sheikh
• Email me: [email protected]
• Call our hotline and leave a voicemail! (213) 632-9972‬
• Book a Self-Trust Session with Alyssia

• The Hoffman Institute (Alyssia is a Hoffman Process teacher; podcast is not affiliated)

Relevant Episodes:  

• Feel to Know (Science of Emotions)

Relevant Links & Resources:

• Brené Brown — Common Enemy Intimacy https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/01/15/common-enemy-intimacy/
• Byron Katie — “Whose Business Is It?” https://thework.com/instruction/the-work-byron-katie/